When no one believes in you, it hurts. It hurts real bad, as if something broke inside. You fight and you fight hard, you work through the most difficult matters, you keep at it when everyone you know would quit. Someone said to me yesterday, everything you do, you do it for yourself, who are you kidding.
As one person, food and a fast car would be all I ever need. That is a scary truth about me, I really have not much in the way of personal needs. I am just as happy to work for absolutely free for someone as I am getting paid for it. I do not pass the responsibility of my labor whether for money or for love on anyone else, therefore I do not differentiate between the two. I just like making things happen.
However, this world is not as simple as I am. I am complex in my simplicity and this mother fucker is simple in its complexity and it makes no excuses for it. I work 24-7, I will go anywhere that it takes me and prioritize it over almost everything and everyone. I have killed off every need that will be in my way of doing just that.
The motivation for this much craziness is not routed in ambition. It is in a bit of revenge, a bit of fear a bit of tiredness from getting kicked in my stomach every time I want to better myself. This is not meant to prove me to the world, it is meant to prove me to me. It is meant to cause and effect the fuck head who thinks everyone makes money to protect themselves. This to show the one hurt so much, that giving is the only thing to do. It is show that we create a better place never just for ourselves but for our entire echo system.
Don’t believe me? Watch.
Some days, I cannot function. I have to go off muscle memory and decades of experience and just follow my routine.
It is usually the days I wake up realizing what an utter mess my personal life has become. I “visit” my daughter, I have no communication with her mother, I live nowhere, I have no real workspace or living space. I am trying to build something bigger than I ever thought I could and I have very little support if any at all from my family. It is the day when I get hit by the reality of my ambitions, little old me is doing what? A hundred million dollar company? I think of my highly educated team of lawyers, CPA, engineers and designers all looking at me for solutions. It is overwhelming to say the least. They ask questions I did not know existed, yet here I am.
In my darkest hour and moments of complete self doubt I only wonder what she would say to me now? It is funny when you prove yourself to most accomplished men and women in the world, but you still seek a smile and nod from someone who left you to die.
Logic states that this need is unrecognized by the brain and therefore unnecessary. Science states it is my lacking as an individual to accept failure and rejection. My faith in her says that she would be proud.
Some days, logic, science, medicine and my heart fight, and those days, I cannot seem to function.
Some nights I just cannot sleep. My feet keep searching for your cold feet, trying to get warm under mine. It is moments like this when I miss you enough, that I can give up on it all just to be there with you.
Your cold feet were the warmest thing my heart ever felt. Maybe you didn’t hear me, maybe I never said it, thank you for your cold feet.
As if life was not hard enough, as if life was not cruel enough, I had to go on to miss your soft cold feet.
Little things about you, that maybe he would not even notice, I remember today as I did when I was there. Until the day I lay dead in my cold grave, my feet will search for your soft cold feet.
Everyday I wake up and I think about what happened. There is never a day in my life that I have not missed you or thought about you. Not always in hateful, or loving or in an analytic manner. I just never seem to be able to wrap my head around it. 5 years and I have not once been able to forgive myself. At the same time how I feel about it depends on how I feel that day or moment in time. Where I am, what I am doing. This event has the ability to change my mood and focus. Recently I was part of an accident. The feeling I saw people wear onto their faces was disbelief. This look of questions, disbelief, fear and helplessness. I realized that I have been walking around with that same look for about 1416 days. There are moments when I have anger, when I feel as if I got rail-roaded. Then there is the realization that I was the one standing on the tracks. Never in my life I thought someone will be able to take my child from me and walk away. But you did. The one hard fast rule in my life that could not be broken, you broke it. Not just you took her, you keep her away from me, on purpose. You lied to a judge in a legal declaration and I let you get away with it. You straight out punked and sucker punched me. Which was nothing new with you ha ha. You said many bad, horrible things about me, most of them lies. Things I never did, nor thought about doing. But you know what? I cannot get myself to hate you. There is something about you that all the women on earth put together don’t seem to have.
Now I know you expect me to do something stupid. I want you to know, that no matter what you do, I will never do it and here is why:
- I cannot do things that will hurt you.
- I will never let you prove to my kid that I am anything what you told her and her therapist that I am.
I do want you to know this, as this may satisfy your need for revenge. I questioned my shadow for the last nearly 5 years. I lost all confidence in my intellect or ability. I until today cannot seem to stand up for myself nor am able to finish things that I am capable off. Do you know why? Because it never mattered what anyone said about me. But once you said those things, I could no longer believe myself. You may think you said those things and walked away, but you left me paralyzed. Unable to be with someone, unable to talk to people, unable to interact without reminding myself that this may end badly, stay away.
Damage your words did was unbelievable to me.
I can burry the eye who looks at you with disrespect,
But it seems the world is no place for love like this,
Honor, loyalty, pride and love itself, antiquated terms,
Old fashioned true to the core love, has no place,
in this world of polite facades and empty hearts,
where acceptance is bliss.
Maybe in the next life, I can show you,
How I love you,
This one today will call me crazy,
Bring you dishonor and questions,
If I am gone, it will be easy.
I cannot fight to replace the one that has ruled my heart, what now seems an eternity. I hide many battles, betrayals, lies and disappointments within me. I can no longer hold the flood of fear, bitterness and cold this world has deposited in me. I need to let it go and let the warmth in. Like Johnny Cash said:
The first time ever I held you near
And felt your heart beat close to mine
I thought our joy would fill the world
And would last ’til the end of time, my love
And would last ’til the end of time.
After tasting the heavens it is hard to settle for anything less. Is it my fault that I felt your heart as if it was mine? If you recall I said to you ” that heart beat is mine”. Yet you may have shared yourself with another, and not too lie as did I. I still never found that home, I left in you. I only wish now that you had done the same, so we may return to the only home we knew.
1 life, 1 love.
“They all had the same problem, none of them were you”