Category Archives: Fuck it! this is how I feel

This is how I feel on a subject, read it at your own risk.

I want the power

I want the power to never speak ill of another,

I want the power to never complaint.

I want the power to absorb all the pain a friend can give,

I want the power to accept my place in this world.

I want the power to love those who have always found reasons to hate me,

I want the power to see good when there is very little to see.


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I am not fading into the light

One thing I would not do is fade into the light. I will do whatever I have to, the right way, the legal way to clear my name. I will NOT resort to name calling and blaming. I will prove you wrong in the same venue, they proved me wrong.

In life I may not be the most valuable, but I won’t leave without earning back my good name. People may chose not to remember me fondly, but they won’t be able to speak ill either.

I am taking the long and hardway, and if there is anyone left who believes me, wish me health.

I am NOT fading into the light.

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I want to tell you

I want to tell you that I am only human. Your war on me has left me weary. I feel everything you do but I cannot say. I hope someday I will be able to tell you how I felt but if that never happens, than I hope I am finally strong enough to qualify as a man.

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Years on

Years on, I wake up with a hole in me. For when the wind blows throw it still hurts. No matter what I do or have done to repent or fill it, I feel I will always have a piece of me missing.

I feel like a wave in the ocean that made it shore but could never stay. I have no sailors in my bloodline that I know off,but I have been adrift for as long as I can remember. The only place I find peace is on the road or on water. Going somewhere, as I have always been, going somewhere. Many a times I wish for this seemingly perpetual journey to stop but,I failed at every attempt to stop it.

“Home is a feeling I left in you” at 17 when I first heard those words they stuck with me but I did not understand. I do,now.

This may read as a complaint, but this is a confession of fruition of your vengeance. No matter that I did not do what you believe I did.

Years on, I am unable to convince you and forgive myself of my part in this.

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Unforgiven and unworthy

When no one believes in you, it hurts. It hurts real bad, as if something broke inside. You fight and you fight hard, you work through the most difficult matters, you keep at it when everyone you know would quit. Someone said to me yesterday, everything you do, you do it for yourself, who are you kidding.

As one person, food and a fast car would be all I ever need. That is a scary truth about me, I really have not much in the way of personal needs. I am just as happy to work for absolutely free for someone as I am getting paid for it. I do not pass the responsibility of my labor whether for money or for love on anyone else, therefore I do not differentiate between the two. I just like making things happen.

However, this world is not as simple as I am. I am complex in my simplicity and this mother fucker is simple in its complexity and it makes no excuses for it. I work 24-7, I will go anywhere that it takes me and prioritize it over almost everything and everyone. I have killed off every need that will be in my way of doing just that.

The motivation for this much craziness is not routed in ambition. It is in a bit of revenge, a bit of fear a bit of tiredness from getting kicked in my stomach every time I want to better myself.  This is not meant to prove me to the world, it is meant to prove me to me. It is meant to cause and effect the fuck head who thinks everyone makes money to protect themselves. This to show the one hurt so much, that giving is the only thing to do. It is show that we create a better place never just for ourselves but for our entire echo system.

Don’t believe me? Watch.

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