God said that he only test people as much as they can take. Well, I think I am officially at the end of my will power when it comes to certain things. With this experience, I have learned a lot about me. A lot has also changed about me, my current environment has been my greatest teacher in human interaction. I learned to understand people better and have faced some harsh truths, that now I feel like I was ignoring or was just too naïve to accept. While it still today bothers me to say this, but not everyone has the best intentions towards you. It is sad, yes it is. I have never consciously wished for anyone to fail or suffer. Even today my prayer has always been, that each one of us should be blessed. I don’t wish for someone to loose something so I can have it, I just want my own.
I have also realized that it maybe time to make some really harsh decisions in life. Decisions I wish even my enemies do not have to make. But it is time to account and pay for the mistakes in full. This is a time when I seek forgiveness from some, while wondering why I should ask for it, while they abandoned me. It is hard to account for your own actions alone, without making excuses. A part of me wishes I have an excuse and a part of me knows that I have an excuse. But, the bigger part of me, needs to be in peace. I think you can only be content with yourself if you can live with yourself. I need to achieve that Zen state.
It is time to realize, that I need some help. I hate asking for help. If I want to continue to live, I need help. Otherwise I am stuck.
I wish to tell someone how I feel, but I seem to never be able to do that. This storm of emotions, guilt, sorrow and anger I hold inside needs to be let go. I hope that the one who can truly help me is reading this. I can talk to all the strangers I want but I need to speak to you. I need to end this. I am out of breath and I cannot run any longer.