Monthly Archives: June 2017

Unforgiven and unworthy

When no one believes in you, it hurts. It hurts real bad, as if something broke inside. You fight and you fight hard, you work through the most difficult matters, you keep at it when everyone you know would quit. Someone said to me yesterday, everything you do, you do it for yourself, who are you kidding.

As one person, food and a fast car would be all I ever need. That is a scary truth about me, I really have not much in the way of personal needs. I am just as happy to work for absolutely free for someone as I am getting paid for it. I do not pass the responsibility of my labor whether for money or for love on anyone else, therefore I do not differentiate between the two. I just like making things happen.

However, this world is not as simple as I am. I am complex in my simplicity and this mother fucker is simple in its complexity and it makes no excuses for it. I work 24-7, I will go anywhere that it takes me and prioritize it over almost everything and everyone. I have killed off every need that will be in my way of doing just that.

The motivation for this much craziness is not routed in ambition. It is in a bit of revenge, a bit of fear a bit of tiredness from getting kicked in my stomach every time I want to better myself.  This is not meant to prove me to the world, it is meant to prove me to me. It is meant to cause and effect the fuck head who thinks everyone makes money to protect themselves. This to show the one hurt so much, that giving is the only thing to do. It is show that we create a better place never just for ourselves but for our entire echo system.

Don’t believe me? Watch.

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Filed under Fuck it! this is how I feel

Some days

Some days, I cannot function. I have to go off muscle memory and decades of experience and just follow my routine.

It is usually the days I wake up realizing what an utter mess my personal life has become. I “visit” my daughter, I have no communication with her mother, I live nowhere, I have no real workspace or living space.  I am trying to build something bigger than I ever thought I could and I have very little support if any at all from my family. It is the day when I get hit by the reality of my ambitions, little old me is doing what? A hundred million dollar company? I think of my highly educated team of lawyers, CPA, engineers and designers all looking at me for solutions. It is overwhelming to say the least. They ask questions I did not know existed, yet here I am.

In my darkest hour and moments of complete self doubt I only wonder what she would say to me now? It is funny when you prove yourself to most accomplished men and women in the world, but you still seek a smile and nod from someone who left you to die.

Logic states that this need is unrecognized by the brain and therefore unnecessary. Science states it is my lacking as an individual to accept failure and rejection. My faith in her says that she would be proud.

Some days, logic, science, medicine and my heart fight, and those days, I cannot seem to function.

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Filed under Fuck it! this is how I feel