Everyday I wake up and I think about what happened. There is never a day in my life that I have not missed you or thought about you. Not always in hateful, or loving or in an analytic manner. I just never seem to be able to wrap my head around it. 5 years and I have not once been able to forgive myself. At the same time how I feel about it depends on how I feel that day or moment in time. Where I am, what I am doing. This event has the ability to change my mood and focus. Recently I was part of an accident. The feeling I saw people wear onto their faces was disbelief. This look of questions, disbelief, fear and helplessness. I realized that I have been walking around with that same look for about 1416 days. There are moments when I have anger, when I feel as if I got railroaded. Then there is the realization that I was the one standing on the tracks. Never in my life I thought someone will be able to take my child from me and walk away. But you did. The one hard fast rule in my life that could not be broken, you broke it. Not just you took her, you keep her away from me, on purpose. You lied to a judge in a legal declaration and I let you get away with it. You straight out punked and sucker punched me. Which was nothing new with you ha ha. You said many bad, horrible things about me, most of them lies. Things I never did, nor thought about doing. But you know what? I cannot get myself to hate you. There is something about you that all the women on earth put together don’t seem to have.
Now I know you expect me to do something stupid. I want you to know, that no matter what you do, I will never do it and here is why:
- I cannot do things that will hurt you.
- I will never let you prove to my kid that I am anything what you told her and her therapist that I am.
I do want you to know this, as this may satisfy your need for revenge. I questioned my shadow for the last nearly 5 years. I lost all confidence in my intellect or ability. I until today cannot seem to stand up for myself nor am able to finish things that I am capable off. Do you know why? Because it never mattered what anyone said about me. But once you said those things, I could no longer believe myself. You may think you said those things and walked away, but you left me paralyzed. Unable to be with someone, unable to talk to people, unable to interact without reminding myself that this may end badly, stay away.
Damage your words did was unbelievable to me.