Monthly Archives: August 2016

Pity Party

To a point where you cannot allow yourself to feel. The resounding sound of her words ” Are you done with your pity party?”

It is like a permanent scar, like a scab with puss that cuts open with a slightest scrape. Anyone who knows me would conclude in a hurry that I do not much care for pity or parties ha. I can deal with my mistakes, my sins just fine. I can understand that I am flawed and I can understand that people will do what they must, at times.

I do not go around telling anyone if I am upset, I just wanted to share something with someone whom I thought would have cared. Instead I was met with utmost lack of sympathy and empathy.

You can tell yourself any story you want, but if you cannot see someone’s pain, regardless of how insignificant it may seem compared to your mighty self. You have not lived a day in your life. Sure you exists and tell everyone how strong you are. For a person to not be able to understand someone else’s pain and ridicule it, is the lowest form of human behavior. That is the singular reason, why I would never crawl back to you.

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Numb again

We are back to feeling that numb again. That feeling of emotionless attachment to familiar faces. Recall memories but unable to bask in their light. Touch, embrace and all the comforts, I can recall but as if  the mind and heart have lost their meaning. 

In this state if being I operate out of muscle memory.A safe zone, a limp mode a cocoon to rest in. 

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Yes I do miss

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August 8, 2016 · 5:35 am

Sleep

One of these days I will sleep.

 Until then I will work and wait for the day I am free. 

I don’t dream of a rescue anymore, no where I want to be.

Nowhere, I trust you to take me.

Here, in this quite outpost a million miles away from you.

I stay alone, but I can be me.

No one to call me a liar or to praise my good deeds.

Just me and my demons dancing by the fire, pretending to be free.

We may lack sleep or your loving embrace, but here we are naked without inhibition.

Away from your dark world, where survival is victory.

Slander my name, defame me to your hearts content, but alone at night that feeling you can’t describe, that is me.

You say I ran away and didn’t fight, Defeating the one’s I love is no victory, to me.

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I miss her

So what? 

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Musings of the family liar

Why do some of us lie? Is it out of fear? In my case it certainly is not. So why do I lie? Is it for some sort of distorted notion of a noble cause? some twisted sense of martyrdom or is it a survival mechanism to the survive what could be impossible to survive otherwise. Or is it laying ground for failure in relationships and fulfilling some self prophesied  catastrophe?

I could lie just to benefit, however the results prove otherwise. I have never benefitted from my lies, I have rather only suffered. I have also been called a liar because I refuse to give certain information about someone. I would skip the defects and make someone look good. The question is , if I did that to accept them myself or to help them pass some sort of scrutiny of others.

There is a saying, “Men hate those, to whom they have to lie”.  That literally explains my distance from certain people. People whom I have had to lie too all my life. Just to keep them happy and even guilt free. People who can be held accountable for their lack of certain qualities in certain capacities, where I had sought their counsel. Their arrogance that kept them from guiding a young mind the right way.

I lie to those whom I believe, that either they do not care or will be incapable of doing anything for my plight. I believed that the truth will make them fight a battle that they cannot win, so ignorance is bliss. Hence the standard answers to the question, ” Hey Sammy how are  you? I am doing great”. Do I really want to tell them, actually I am hurting so bad that I keep inflicting physical pain to distract my mind from what bothers it the most.

I lie because I do not want to burden those now who were not there then, when I needed them, and are certainly incapable today to do anything about what has already passed.

I lie because my pain and my problems are no one’s business anymore.

I lie because I do not want to share my troubles. Because my troubles are not fodder for your gossip.

I lie because some pain that was inflicted on me, was from people that we as humans trust to never hurt us.

I lie because I am more used to being disliked by the one’s closest to me than I am liked.

I lie because I can no longer bare to think I am burden on your little heart.

I lie because I wanted to protect a utopia, where you lived in bliss.

I lie because it is easier to lie than to help someone understand the truth. Truth which may involve them understanding devastating consequences of their actions or inactions.

I lie because I secretly want to please people I love.

Most importantly, I lie because I do not want anyone to see how broken I am.

And yes, that smile was a lie, so I gave it up.

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