Monthly Archives: April 2015

Live

What it is to live is perhaps not the same as what it is to be. To be, is to exist and to live is to experience. To experience is to take risk and open yourself to pain. Many of us attempt to live, while we are not ready to pay the price of “living” and not just existing. Cacti exist, so do sloths and so do people who never question anything.
Be curious, seek knowledge and learn to forgive. No one is asking you to forget, just forgive. The only way to live is understand people, much like you they are a product of their environment. Respect circumstances of others and your own, learn to change them one day and one step at a time.
To live is to not be complacent with daily occurrences. To live is to seek to change them the best you can, to the best you imagine them to be.
So live!

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“There’s nothing there”

Has to be the worse day of my life. How do you react to such utter bullshit. Heartless fuck, karma is a bitch. Lying, fucking fraud, spineless rat. Unbelievable that people like you can live with themselves. Rot in your personal hell.

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Understanding

Understanding is a two-way street.

Eleanor Roosevelt

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Pancakes

Sitting at an Ihop on a cold freeway stop in the great state of Montana, I have a dad and his 5-6 year old sitting next to me.
A beautiful sight, pure innocence and love. All that is good in the world is right on that table. He is helping her colour and spell things.
I am delighted to see this, but a part of me can’t help but wonder about Sofee. My kid is crazy smart, her poise her mannerisms are reflection of deep intellect.
Do attorneys really understand how they effect lives? I got mine ruined by a vengeful, malicious and broken one who had no right to be in family law business.
I am sure people suffer for the concequences of their actions, but this pain makes life hard to live.
I pray for these two strangers to always be like this and I hope someday I may eat some pancakes with Sofee.

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Cycle of neglect

Sometimes the people are that are most straight forward seem the most the most twisted. We expect the worse from people and therefore we find it hard to believe that there is any more to most than what is heard on the news or on social media. When a person is truthful and the truth is inconvenient, than that person is usually put down and bullied for their part of the story. We want to live with one eye closed, like a pigeon who closes it’s eyes when it cannot fight danger. Much like children’s stories we still want to hide in our closets and wish the storm away. Unfortunately these storms are real and will not be penned away by your favorite author. The choices we make yield results we do not wish for, but when they happen we tell ourselves that this what we wanted. We lie to ourselves everyday to be able to cope with the reality, but if someones even makes us feel like they are lying it offends us. I feel like our skepticism on subjects is a reflection of our fears, lack of knowledge, hate and our own ability to do the worse. People who do not spend much time thinking someone will hurt them are usually optimistic in their outlook and evaluation of people they interact. People who hide either anxiety, have willfully done wrong, are uneducated as in lack knowledge or are not well traveled seem to have the hardest time believing anything or anyone.

A guilty person is not always wrong, a person who wins is not always right. A person who is quite in his or her demeanor is not always up to something and the person who moves about too much is not always going somewhere. What meets the eye is usually just skin deep. Your brother or mother whom you look down upon for your “good” reasons maybe hiding something deeper. A secret perhaps that hurts so much that they are afraid to reveal it and to avoid the subject they avoid you.

You have been having sex since you were sixteen, was it sex you were looking for or was it comfort. Comfort that the popular and friendly media made you believe was more than likely found in someone else. Was it your mother who’s neglect led you to seek what should have been inside your home, outside? Did you think your stories reflected fun or did I see pain? What you think I saw and what did I see may have never been the same.

Life is not that hard but for darn sure we have found ways to complicate it. We exist in a cycle of neglect which creates some lonely souls. To survive they learn to  lie, they start believing in strangers with candy and then they get hurt. Those who hurt so much inside can barely care for anyone else and the cycle begins.

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Confessions of a liar

The unicorn of my being, family support. I grew up facing things alone. It was always me against whatever the currently obstacle was. Obstacle here is my liking everything that my family didn’t. Born in a highly educated liberal family, I was the odd man out. I barely wanted to go to school,& I didn’t understand things. I was unwilling to just memorize answers on subjects I didn’t understand so I had poor grades in a family where it was a matter of their respect. I had excellent grades in what I did understand and enjoyed, because I understood. Teachers frowned on my questions about practical applications of what was being taught. I was mocked in my science class for building a fully automated work shop in my 5th grade science competition. I ripped apart a sewing machine and built a conveyer belt and a lift for car repair facility. The teachers of my elitist snooty school wanted nothing to do with a lowly mechanical repair facility. The sitting Governor was from the very school. The problem I had was that I didn’t really know how to build a variable speed system as in use gears to control speed. So if you didn’t hit the on switch just right the cars will fly off the model…. which is what happened during my demonstration ha ha.
As I got picked on for being obsessed with cars, racing and mechanisms. I was left with a few friends. That’s when I started to act as if I cared about other stuff.
Well this was some 25 years ago and I am still acting. I’m still lying about who I am or what I love.
Today a conversation with my father affirmed my fear. I have lived in my head alone for so long, that I have never shared a moment of grief or trouble with anyone. It’s like my gear/transmission issue, the fear of being ostracized kept me from asking for help on a problem. For last 25 years I have refused to tell people about my side of any story. I keep it to myself.
I’m literally afraid to share any personal information with anyone. They never believed me then and they never would now. Whenever I want to say something it just doesn’t come out. Or I usually lie about it and hide it.
I became a liar hiding things. To some reading this they will recognize this as the easy way out. You let people hear what they want to hear so they don’t ask much questions. Because God forbid you had to agree to being a human and saying I failed. Because failure led to so much humiliation in life that I would rather die. So I lied to not disappoint then I lied to keep the lie. On and on it went. I lost my soul, my beliefs and my values because I was WEAK.

I mostly lied about things that don’t effect anyone until the lies came out and I became a disappointment. Inside I was angry, because I lied to make these very people happy. Now I am a liar and a disappointment. It’s a vicious cycle and you must get out with urgency. Too please others one can go great lengths just don’t forget yourself in the process.
Once you are reminded with frequency of your status as a family disappointment you find it hard to remove that stamp.
I think today I gave up on trying to remove that stamp. My failures and weaknesses will be hidden by my successes and victories.
For even as a child, a year later I did figure out my gearing issue. My success than hid my failures and pain. They will do it once again. After all we don’t live forever and I would rather let my legacy be of the problem solver rather than a problem himself.
I did learn to not judge my childs failures in black and white. I remember what I went through and I dig past what seems to be. For our children must not learn to lie out of fear of being left alone. They should know that they have us, for better or for worse. What I don’t have from someone else, I can definitely give to others.
No one wants to be alone, remember that. We may make you believe that we do, but with much practice we lie so well that even we believe that.

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Kid

Hey kid,

Hope you are doing well. I hope because that’s all I can. If I told you my worth as a man, your innocent mind wouldn’t understand. It is not much but today, but someday it will be in millions. Because me alone was not enough. No matter what you hear your dad weeps for you each day, never forgetting your sill ways. I wish I am there when you need a hug, a kiss or need me to chase away a bug. I wish I am there on a Sunday morning to make you some eggs and a pancake or two perhaps. If I could just take to school to make sure your shoes are super cool. Buy you some candy and hide it from momny, you can blame the cotton candy stuck in your hair on daddy.  Teach you to ride a bike or fly a kite. I wish, I wish I can kiss you goodnight.
There a times when I just cannot breathe. Times when life just seems so hard. I pull over on the side because I can’t carry on. But I believe that I can be forgiven. Kid if you ever feel I left you, you should know, that I left so I can stay. My baby doll, life was always hard for your dad, I never understood it’s rules and restrictions. The way of the world was always something that I could not understand, until I lost you to it.
But, your oldman is not quitting. I want you to know that I will come back for you soon. Because you are my life and I want to live. I miss you so very much. I have so much to say but I can’t phrase it all. I pray for you every day. I love you sweetheart. No matter what anyone says you are my heart beat.

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