Monthly Archives: April 2013

Racisim-1

Great news for the racist, your favorite activity is alive and well. When dirt bag evo owners used to call me names behind my back i thought it was funny. Now that I am looking for housing in Nevada and Socal it is not funny. When you can see someone’s facial expressions change as they realize the person on the phone how seemed white is actually brown. Good news for me I can afford to get a place, however it shocks me still, that in this day and age there is an issue.

But, can I really blame them? We now officially live in a world where you can know someone for years and they go out and kill someone or blow something up. Case in point Boston bombers.  So to all the people who were hesitant to rent me a place, it is okay I understand, I am not sure what I would do if I was in your position.

I remember SF in 1998, no questions no stupid comments, hand shake and a smile, the place was yours. I rented from and to, never a problem. The world has changed and not for the best. Now when I hear old timers say ” good’ol days” it makes a lot more sense.

As for me, I still have love for all man kind. Can’t just get offended, have to see why someone would offend you. Mostly it is innocence, ignorance and a need to protect themselves. Rarely people like Josh, Steve and Paul are just assholes….. ha ha

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Filed under Fuck it! this is how I feel

NaPoWriMo 2013- #18: Last Chance

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Filed under Fuck it! this is how I feel

Open Letter to you-

The last person on earth I would hurt is you. I have never in my life felt so complete as i was with you. You asked me to change all of it and I am here to tell you that I did. I left all that I once, wrongfully valued above all. I got a “real job” I quit the BS and I taught myself to repent and keep my head down in front of those that i have intentionaly or unitentionaly hurt. I learned that I was not a man, rather a notion of it. I had the right ideas but I could never put them all together. I realized that my sense of right and wrong was correct but I lacked character to implement the knowledge that I had.

I always thought that you were the mirror I looked into for figuring out my direction. I realized I was just a big kid, I did not know what life really is and what really mattered. I spent too much time trying to prove myself, never once realizing that you already loved me. I fucked up and I should have told you, but instead I kept trying to save what was already lost only to lose you as well.

I realized that I am just a man, I may be a lot of things to a lot of people, but with you I had a chance of being me but instead i continued to put up a facade to impress you. I was scared shitless that you would leave me if I ever failed and sometimes i feel I failed, so I can prove that.

You have people around you now that will never let you see me, the Sammy that you once loved. These people have changed you, influenced you like poison. You have changed, for the worse, but I know that deep down inside you are you. I am sorry that I brought you to this, I am sorry that I was too stupid to see anything past trying to keep my word, trying to win and never once realizing that I was betting the only things that should have mattered.

You have done some horrible things to me, things that are way too much punishment for someone who made mistakes not once with intention of harm or ill will to you. separating SD and I is a death sentence to me, and I know eventually I will die to of it. I think you know that as well. Remember when you first left and outside your work I asked you what will i do? those were words of a man under whom the ground disappeared. That was me truly asking what would I do? for 5 years all I knew was you. I never had a home before that, I never had anything remotely to what I had with you. I miss hanging out with your brother, your dad and even as much as i hated it your mom. I never had a place to go and people who made me feel like i was someone.

Truth is I am no one, with out that. Yes I have a fan club, yes I do well now, yes I am good at work, yes kids think i am awesome but at the end of the day I am many things to many people, but no one is there for me. I type this in a hotel room, after working 20 plus hours, taking a sleeping pill I am still awake. Have not slept well in months. I take these moments as punishment and I pray for forgiveness from you and God.

I work away from SF, the city that is a part of me like breathing is. That city gave me everything and made me who I am today. I leave the bay area to you and yours out of respect. Why? because you have every right to live a life free of me, you don’t deserve to worry about me anymore. I have removed myself from the equation so you may live and get what you deserve. With that said, I have never once stopped wishing that you would forgive me.

I have so much to say and so much to tell you, but words seem to fail me. All I know is that I am sorry for being an idiot, for not knowing how to live, for not knowing how to be with someone. I am sorry and if I have enough life left, I will make things right with your family. If you never forgive me I will understand, but take good care of mini you. Because her daddy’s life is trapped in her. I don’t know what you know about the two of us, but we are one and the same. I miss her like I miss you. Every where i go I see her, every kid looks like her. I can only describe the pain as if I have died and yet some how i am on this earth. I would give up my life for a 24hr period with her, where i can take her to school, make her breakfast, feed her lunch, feed her dinner and put her to bed. After that if you want to shoot me I will write you any legal piece of paper that will legally verify my consent.

I know I messed up, but it was never intentional, I made honest to God mistakes that I could not correct and I decided to hide them. I dug myself a hole that I could not get out off. When I realized how I have dragged you into it, I did things to make you leave. I now realize how stupid that was.

I hope some day you will see that I am sorry. I wish you nothing but the best, you still try to put me in trouble and you still try to hurt me, I just want you to know that I awake in pain and I go to bed in it. I lost the only family I ever had.

Sammy

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Terrorist- Boston

How do I say this gently, Fuck you, fuck your family and the hell hole you crawled out of. You are a looser and a piece of shit. I hope you burn in hell for eternity. I hope you bled to death some where on a street corner in boston realizing what you have done to people who have lost lives and limbs. Because selfish cunts like you an entire religon is blamed.

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Filed under Fuck it! this is how I feel

Smart car

Smart car

Yup!

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April 18, 2013 · 2:28 am

Rav 4

I hated this car. It was so stupid. Than I took it off roading and I was shocked. Toyota is a lame ass of a company for the most part, but this little thing is shockingly capable. Toyota trucks are always good, but I did not expect so much out of these little things. I have been beating on these for last 14 years and every time i drive one they surprise me. I don’t even know why I am writting this, perhaps it is more to remind myself to respect them as I seem to keep forgetting.

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Filed under SUV

Children-1

” A child belongs with his or her mother”

– Mama

Now you know why I stay still.

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