Tag Archives: love

Sleep

One of these days I will sleep.

 Until then I will work and wait for the day I am free. 

I don’t dream of a rescue anymore, no where I want to be.

Nowhere, I trust you to take me.

Here, in this quite outpost a million miles away from you.

I stay alone, but I can be me.

No one to call me a liar or to praise my good deeds.

Just me and my demons dancing by the fire, pretending to be free.

We may lack sleep or your loving embrace, but here we are naked without inhibition.

Away from your dark world, where survival is victory.

Slander my name, defame me to your hearts content, but alone at night that feeling you can’t describe, that is me.

You say I ran away and didn’t fight, Defeating the one’s I love is no victory, to me.

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Musings of the family liar

Why do some of us lie? Is it out of fear? In my case it certainly is not. So why do I lie? Is it for some sort of distorted notion of a noble cause? some twisted sense of martyrdom or is it a survival mechanism to the survive what could be impossible to survive otherwise. Or is it laying ground for failure in relationships and fulfilling some self prophesied  catastrophe?

I could lie just to benefit, however the results prove otherwise. I have never benefitted from my lies, I have rather only suffered. I have also been called a liar because I refuse to give certain information about someone. I would skip the defects and make someone look good. The question is , if I did that to accept them myself or to help them pass some sort of scrutiny of others.

There is a saying, “Men hate those, to whom they have to lie”.  That literally explains my distance from certain people. People whom I have had to lie too all my life. Just to keep them happy and even guilt free. People who can be held accountable for their lack of certain qualities in certain capacities, where I had sought their counsel. Their arrogance that kept them from guiding a young mind the right way.

I lie to those whom I believe, that either they do not care or will be incapable of doing anything for my plight. I believed that the truth will make them fight a battle that they cannot win, so ignorance is bliss. Hence the standard answers to the question, ” Hey Sammy how are  you? I am doing great”. Do I really want to tell them, actually I am hurting so bad that I keep inflicting physical pain to distract my mind from what bothers it the most.

I lie because I do not want to burden those now who were not there then, when I needed them, and are certainly incapable today to do anything about what has already passed.

I lie because my pain and my problems are no one’s business anymore.

I lie because I do not want to share my troubles. Because my troubles are not fodder for your gossip.

I lie because some pain that was inflicted on me, was from people that we as humans trust to never hurt us.

I lie because I am more used to being disliked by the one’s closest to me than I am liked.

I lie because I can no longer bare to think I am burden on your little heart.

I lie because I wanted to protect a utopia, where you lived in bliss.

I lie because it is easier to lie than to help someone understand the truth. Truth which may involve them understanding devastating consequences of their actions or inactions.

I lie because I secretly want to please people I love.

Most importantly, I lie because I do not want anyone to see how broken I am.

And yes, that smile was a lie, so I gave it up.

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I am not one of “them”

Another terror attack, another day to defend my beliefs and deny I am not “one of them”. The fact is that, I am not and it is tiring and just absolutely disheartening to have to constantly separate myself from these vermin. Why am I lumped into it? Simply because I am perceived to share the same beliefs.
.Well, we may have read the same book but we took different lessons. What I learned was respect. Respect for people, their beliefs and their values. I learned that I have to answer more for our behaviors towards our fellow man, than towards the maker. I learned that we have the same maker but we call him by different names. I learned that we all bleed the same, have similar needs and just want to live our lives as we wish them to be. I learned that God gave man free will to choose, if God the almighty has decided so, than who am I to question it. I learned that my beliefs do not make me superior to another person, my actions do. I learned that I made many mistakes in life just like people from other religions and cultures and I will be duly punished the same. I learned that we are all God’s children and we should not judge others based on their chosen path, there are numerous reasons for their choices most, only known to them and their maker. I learned that civility and courtesy to fellow men is more important than your prayers for your salvation.
We may have read the same book, but we did not learn the same lesson. I learned that the only war there is to be won, is the one within us, to not take the easy way, to not hurt others when angry, to not hate, to not judge the masses by actions of a few, to forgive, to allow God’s will to manifest itself, to respect and love your neighbour and to do good in your community without prejudice.
I learned that there are good people everywhere and this world exists because of them. I learned that God will not judge so much by your chosen religion or beliefs, but by your actions and intent towards his creation.
I am sad every time an innocent person loses their life. I do not know them, I do not know their beliefs or life story, I just know that their passing is a loss to us as human beings.
Terrorists and terrorism are acts of cowardice and I will not and do not stand for them. I am not a coward. Fuck ISIS and Fuck Radical Islam or any other belief system that condones such behavior

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13

There isn’t always an excuse or a way out. It maybe an argument of the intellectuals that destruction and construction are evolutionary processes. I may even be an example of that. I can even see how myself and my life has changed for the better by the mishaps I cannot seem to recover from, but the collateral in some cases was too much.
It is true that what happened was causation of two individuals not one, however only one of us was responsible for the circumstances that set off the most terrible events of our lives.  The guilt I carry was not forced upon me, it is rather a realization of the role I played.
To test something with the knowledge of its weakness is reckless and irresponsible. To bend something or someone out of shape and into a Form that you then disagree with is not easy to live with.
I remember and intend to never forget your true being. I won’t be me if I didn’t try to convince the world off it. I will defend your honor until my last breadth,  that is the only way I know. I ask nothing off you in return,  except an effort by you, to return to your former.

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Enjoy

You know this, which is why you behave the way you do, well, enjoy. You never had my back, but I always did.

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“Get a real Job”

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People with “Real jobs” won’t understand hahaha. Stupid, damaged people who laugh and mock at those of us who try. I always worked hard for the family, but this time it’s personal.

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Cherish you

To be someone that others may cherish so your own may cherish you, sad.

To be a great man so the one’s who put you down the most may change their minds. Because the one’s that put you down the most were the one’s you loved the most. No one should be made to feel that way. But most of us do.

We all have our own Judas closest to us. The one’s who take the hope away from you often don’t see what their words do to you. ” get a real job”, “you will amount to nothing”, “you make less money then I do, what is this a joke”

Careful how you load your own failures onto the persons you love. If you want something get it yourself, and if you fail, don’t pressurize the next of kin or a loved one to get it for you. Live your own life. let others live theirs.

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