Musings of the family liar

Why do some of us lie? Is it out of fear? In my case it certainly is not. So why do I lie? Is it for some sort of distorted notion of a noble cause? some twisted sense of martyrdom or is it a survival mechanism to the survive what could be impossible to survive otherwise. Or is it laying ground for failure in relationships and fulfilling some self prophesied  catastrophe?

I could lie just to benefit, however the results prove otherwise. I have never benefitted from my lies, I have rather only suffered. I have also been called a liar because I refuse to give certain information about someone. I would skip the defects and make someone look good. The question is , if I did that to accept them myself or to help them pass some sort of scrutiny of others.

There is a saying, “Men hate those, to whom they have to lie”.  That literally explains my distance from certain people. People whom I have had to lie too all my life. Just to keep them happy and even guilt free. People who can be held accountable for their lack of certain qualities in certain capacities, where I had sought their counsel. Their arrogance that kept them from guiding a young mind the right way.

I lie to those whom I believe, that either they do not care or will be incapable of doing anything for my plight. I believed that the truth will make them fight a battle that they cannot win, so ignorance is bliss. Hence the standard answers to the question, ” Hey Sammy how are  you? I am doing great”. Do I really want to tell them, actually I am hurting so bad that I keep inflicting physical pain to distract my mind from what bothers it the most.

I lie because I do not want to burden those now who were not there then, when I needed them, and are certainly incapable today to do anything about what has already passed.

I lie because my pain and my problems are no one’s business anymore.

I lie because I do not want to share my troubles. Because my troubles are not fodder for your gossip.

I lie because some pain that was inflicted on me, was from people that we as humans trust to never hurt us.

I lie because I am more used to being disliked by the one’s closest to me than I am liked.

I lie because I can no longer bare to think I am burden on your little heart.

I lie because I wanted to protect a utopia, where you lived in bliss.

I lie because it is easier to lie than to help someone understand the truth. Truth which may involve them understanding devastating consequences of their actions or inactions.

I lie because I secretly want to please people I love.

Most importantly, I lie because I do not want anyone to see how broken I am.

And yes, that smile was a lie, so I gave it up.

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