It’s truly unbearable when you calculate what rate of impact will kill you. When you realize that the car you are driving has a 85% survival rate and if it weren’t so, you would have put it into a fucking wall as your heart tells your hands to swing that wheel but they don’t move . I am more likely to just get badly injured and make life worse.

People say, “you are the strongest person I have ever met in my life, I don’t know how you live like this”. Each time I laughed it off, I don’t like hearing compliments.

Yesterday when I went to sleep, I said to God that if I wake up today you need to find me a way. I have a feeling he left me alone to figure it out. After all the sacrifices I have made for people I got handed pain after pain. I stayed quite and never shared my troubles with anyone but he kept adding to them. I kept saying okay, and kept asking to give me all the pain as long as my family and loved ones can live happy. One thing I asked for, he denied.

Yet I live, in these moments I would think of my aunt and her voice would console me. He took her as well.

I’m not that strong my lord. Please stop, it’s unbearable now, it really is. Please pray for me.


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