The unicorn of my being, family support. I grew up facing things alone. It was always me against whatever the currently obstacle was. Obstacle here is my liking everything that my family didn’t. Born in a highly educated liberal family, I was the odd man out. I barely wanted to go to school,& I didn’t understand things. I was unwilling to just memorize answers on subjects I didn’t understand so I had poor grades in a family where it was a matter of their respect. I had excellent grades in what I did understand and enjoyed, because I understood. Teachers frowned on my questions about practical applications of what was being taught. I was mocked in my science class for building a fully automated work shop in my 5th grade science competition. I ripped apart a sewing machine and built a conveyer belt and a lift for car repair facility. The teachers of my elitist snooty school wanted nothing to do with a lowly mechanical repair facility. The sitting Governor was from the very school. The problem I had was that I didn’t really know how to build a variable speed system as in use gears to control speed. So if you didn’t hit the on switch just right the cars will fly off the model…. which is what happened during my demonstration ha ha.
As I got picked on for being obsessed with cars, racing and mechanisms. I was left with a few friends. That’s when I started to act as if I cared about other stuff.
Well this was some 25 years ago and I am still acting. I’m still lying about who I am or what I love.
Today a conversation with my father affirmed my fear. I have lived in my head alone for so long, that I have never shared a moment of grief or trouble with anyone. It’s like my gear/transmission issue, the fear of being ostracized kept me from asking for help on a problem. For last 25 years I have refused to tell people about my side of any story. I keep it to myself.
I’m literally afraid to share any personal information with anyone. They never believed me then and they never would now. Whenever I want to say something it just doesn’t come out. Or I usually lie about it and hide it.
I became a liar hiding things. To some reading this they will recognize this as the easy way out. You let people hear what they want to hear so they don’t ask much questions. Because God forbid you had to agree to being a human and saying I failed. Because failure led to so much humiliation in life that I would rather die. So I lied to not disappoint then I lied to keep the lie. On and on it went. I lost my soul, my beliefs and my values because I was WEAK.
I mostly lied about things that don’t effect anyone until the lies came out and I became a disappointment. Inside I was angry, because I lied to make these very people happy. Now I am a liar and a disappointment. It’s a vicious cycle and you must get out with urgency. Too please others one can go great lengths just don’t forget yourself in the process.
Once you are reminded with frequency of your status as a family disappointment you find it hard to remove that stamp.
I think today I gave up on trying to remove that stamp. My failures and weaknesses will be hidden by my successes and victories.
For even as a child, a year later I did figure out my gearing issue. My success than hid my failures and pain. They will do it once again. After all we don’t live forever and I would rather let my legacy be of the problem solver rather than a problem himself.
I did learn to not judge my childs failures in black and white. I remember what I went through and I dig past what seems to be. For our children must not learn to lie out of fear of being left alone. They should know that they have us, for better or for worse. What I don’t have from someone else, I can definitely give to others.
No one wants to be alone, remember that. We may make you believe that we do, but with much practice we lie so well that even we believe that.