I have put my trail of destruction front and center, so I no longer can “relax” or “kick back” or ” take some time off”. There are nights when I cannot keep my eyes open and I push myself to finish as much work as possible. I realized that I hate short cuts, I think they are for lesser, weaker people and I am not weak, less maybe given my actions. I used to want to fight everyone, and never back down, I now seek a path that does not put me in a defensive mind set and I focus on the most profitable outcome. That is not to say that I don’t have my moments of anger when I want to burn it to the ground, but now I can take a walk and calm down. I no longer want a fancy car, or a boat or a jet ski, I want to pay off my debts. I am done with things and life in general until I have earned the right to look into my own eyes without shame.
I am free, I have faced me, I know what I did wrong and I know I will no longer ever in my life go down that path. I have chosen the me, that I can live with and so it will be. This physical pain, lack of sleep, lack of nutrition is a reminder of two things. One, I can survive anything and as such I no longer seek help, two I should not allow myself pleasure until the one’s that have suffered because of my mistakes are whole.
I will make it, I know it. The day will come when I will be me again. I will no longer allow my need to prove myself or my ego dictate my actions. If it is to be, it will be. I can say it a thousand times that I never meant to hurt anyone, or that I did not do 90% of things I was accused off, at the end people did get hurt. I trusted the wrong people, maybe, but this lack of judgement cost someone else pain. I am no longer concerned with semantics, I am now solely concerned with me repairing the damage. I wish someone will see how hard I work, or how honestly I work, but that is asking for the wounded to care for the dying. Die, we all do eventually, but it will be not with this burden God willing.