Cannot share good or bad with anyone who will believe either fully. I think that realization defines alone. My life possibly changed tonight and I stared at my phone for 30 minutes not knowing who to call. So here I am. I don’t lack company or human contact, I lack the sparkle in someone’s eyes when I tell them I have done something good.
Being alone, is and always has been my norm. It is what I fear the most and yet find myself most comfortable in. It is what I know, but I never liked it. It is the reason why I make decisions that solely rely on me. People say I pressure myself too much or carry the load of 20 others. It is the only way I know how to live.
I make mistakes that even shock me, things that I do at times are beyond words. I either panic in fear of making the same old mistakes or I become this animal that must survive.
If I am to die alone, I wish to die debt free. Please God grant me this one last thing.