Cannot share good or bad with anyone who will believe either fully. I think that realization defines alone. My life possibly changed tonight and I stared at my phone for 30 minutes not knowing who to call. So here I am. I don’t lack company or human contact, I lack the sparkle in someone’s eyes when I tell them I have done something good. 

Being alone, is and always has been my norm. It is what I fear the most and yet find myself most comfortable in. It is what I know, but I never liked it. It is the reason why I make decisions that solely rely on me. People say I pressure myself too much or carry the load of 20 others. It is the only way I know how to live. 

I make mistakes that even shock me, things that I do at times are beyond words. I either panic in fear of making the same old mistakes or I become this animal that must survive. 

If I am to die alone, I wish to die debt free. Please God grant me this one last thing.

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June 20, 2014 · 11:47 am

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