My moment of clarity.

There is a moment of clarity and there is a moment of doubt. Most people confuse the two in their haste to fulfill some preconceived destiny born out of fear.  Fear makes them seek the path of safety,  a path well traveled by their own, therefore well documented. These sharing of experience by the one’s before them gives these choices a sense of familiarity.  The fear almost hereditary to most is enforced each day by action and verbalizing of the same mantras.  While I completely believe in laws to form and up hold a family or society, I don’t believe that all cases are similar.
When you fear life, you mistrust,  when you at your core don’t trust anyone you follow whatever path is safest.
To say I don’t seek validation of anyone is a lie. We all want to be appreciated and loved.  However appreciation implies judgment and therefore is subject to the observer’s values and experiences. By that argument I seek validation of those I appreciate first. Following this same logic if certain people dislike me, I am either not bothered or see it as a validation of my direction that I believe is correct.  It is simple, if my validation came from Hitler I would be worried about my morality. If Hitler disliked me or wanted me dead, I would feel I am on the good side.
The above applies to many in my life that I now understand are inferior in their own actions and their judgment of me is but an acid rain drop. I seek no protection from their hate of me nor their threats. If I was killed by their design I have no regrets. 
I at no point have absolved myself of my mistakes. People have used that admission against me my entire life. People who aborted children as if it was but an inconvenience to their sex life, people who valued no one and nothing.  I spent years of my life arguing otherwise.  I stood by them at their worse hour and walked them through their worse fear. But when I fell I was not even given the courtesy of a failure.  I was branded a liar and fraud. A keeper of deception and lies.
Physical harm never really concerned me,  being alone was a habit. But when your love and blood seize to believe you, the very people I worked to my bones to keep comfortable turn on you.  You loose faith, you don’t believe yourself anymore. Because a person who only seeks the validation of those whom he love’s and respects will never find peace or comfort in cheers of strangers.
On this father’s day alone, I want someone somewhere to know. Your words and your fear of failure,  can simply uproot the most firm and strongest of Redwood.
While my mistakes were primarily monetary, your actions can never be repaired. You have the only sword that can cut someone in half, use it wisely.  This world is full of halves, if you have the power to complete someone,  your quest for completion of yourself may end there. 
Looking at my obsession to repay my monetary debts a person mused that with these work hours I will die alone.  I am ready, but I will not die in their judgement of my character.  That war they will not win. I will loose everything that I once sought and deemed most valuable.  But I will not owe a penny to those who valued my love, my devotion, my heart and willingness to die for them in dollars or any other currency.  My name is not Earl but I have a list. I will meet my maker in peace,  that will not be taken away from me.
For lack of better words and to save WordPress some bandwidth,  fuck all of you who doubted me. You are not family,  you are a creditor and nothing more.


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