Rendered unable to perform. A person who knew his life’s purpose lost so much so, that he no longer believes in his ability to fulfill it. What you said, the words you used, the actions you took, removed belief in himself and others. It cut into it so deep that the struggle is not between failure and success, but doubt and disbelief. Unable to understand the consequences anymore, danger or self harm no longer registers. Ability to calculate risk to himself is at permanent value 0. 

People have said what they had to say but he stayed silent. Until today he is silent. He is afraid to speak, not because he is wrong but a part of him knows he his right. His words can kill an old man, undo a holy matrimony, break families and cause so much pain that he does not know if it is worth being right. It is under this immense burden he has learned to live as the black sheep, the outcast, the unworthy, the bad brother, the bad son, the bad husband, the friend and the general belief of some people that he is a bad human being and absolute worse of all A bad father. There is one belief that he still musters, that someone out there still thinks that Sammy could not have done this. It is his dying wish that somewhere someone will ask some day, tell me my love where did you go astray? He knows he will die with it and it will never happen. As if he watches one too many movies, in which there is this one person who believes the murderer was innocent even after the prosecution and somehow proves it. Ha, a fantasy admittedly but he needs it to live.

Imagine constantly evaluating yourself. Imagine constantly keeping yourself at a distance even when you long for that touch or a hello from someone who would care. Imagine trying to do right but never succeeding because you struggle with the straight and narrow in books and “straight and narrow” in the real world. Where straight and narrow is constantly defined and redefined by each in their own way at their own terms, on hourly basis suited to the end they must achieve to survive. Imagine your wife sleeping with you until she finds better. 

I have done things that were definitely not acceptable. I have done things that are grave in their implications. But, I have never once knowingly or with intention made a mistake or hurt someone. I have never told someone I loved them and not meant it. I have never once lied to someone about my commitment to them yet I have failed in keeping commitments, but it was never because I wanted too. People, my own people cut me off at the knees and I stayed silent. I never once threw someone under the bus, I took all the blame, from Business to personal, I have never named anyone, God willing I won’t, you know who you are and what you did. You will pay for your sins, just as I pay for mine everyday. 

But all of the above does not disable me. What disables me is you. Your disbelief in me, your words ” may be you are what they say you are” in your father’s home next to the dinning table in 2009 wearing a blue shirt. You, the one person that meant heaven and earth to me. You broke me into a million pieces. I will never again be me, I will forever be what you made me, I will forever wonder if you are right. I have been called so many things by so many people, lesser, weaker people who called me names because they lacked the fortitude to face themselves, but you, you were God’s gift to me. You were it. You were the only approval I ever needed. I gave you the one material thing that i valued. The pendant and chain, I gave you on highway 5. That is all I ever owned that was left off me through everything I have been through. 

I wonder if you ever knew what you meant, or what disaster your words brought? Let me tell you, you killed me while I am still alive. You disabled me. I find comfort in not having anything so I may never loose anything again. Home, scares me, laughing too much makes me wonder what disaster awaits me, thought of being with another makes me wonder if I can tell the difference between love and sex. 

I will watch the world from a distance for the rest of my time on earth. I am here because there is one thing I will not let you or anyone have. The ability to say that I did not leave anything for my off spring. 

I would hate you if I could, but I am too busy hating me enough to keep me away, loving me enough to stay nearby and being in my own way enough so it may not lead to cross paths with you. 

I promise you and everyone who has made me into some diseased animal. You will recognize that I was good to you and yours. If I have enough life left, I will do nothing but make sure that I prove to you, that you were absolutely wrong about me, that you gave up on me too quick. 

I may be disabled, but I have an obligation to this world beyond you. I will live a good life, because what I do effects family, but I will forever wish, that you believed me in my darkest hours. You won’t read these words, but I promise you that your daughter will read these to you.

Leave a comment

Filed under Fuck it! this is how I feel

Comments are closed.