The last person on earth I would hurt is you. I have never in my life felt so complete as i was with you. You asked me to change all of it and I am here to tell you that I did. I left all that I once, wrongfully valued above all. I got a “real job” I quit the BS and I taught myself to repent and keep my head down in front of those that i have intentionaly or unitentionaly hurt. I learned that I was not a man, rather a notion of it. I had the right ideas but I could never put them all together. I realized that my sense of right and wrong was correct but I lacked character to implement the knowledge that I had.
I always thought that you were the mirror I looked into for figuring out my direction. I realized I was just a big kid, I did not know what life really is and what really mattered. I spent too much time trying to prove myself, never once realizing that you already loved me. I fucked up and I should have told you, but instead I kept trying to save what was already lost only to lose you as well.
I realized that I am just a man, I may be a lot of things to a lot of people, but with you I had a chance of being me but instead i continued to put up a facade to impress you. I was scared shitless that you would leave me if I ever failed and sometimes i feel I failed, so I can prove that.
You have people around you now that will never let you see me, the Sammy that you once loved. These people have changed you, influenced you like poison. You have changed, for the worse, but I know that deep down inside you are you. I am sorry that I brought you to this, I am sorry that I was too stupid to see anything past trying to keep my word, trying to win and never once realizing that I was betting the only things that should have mattered.
You have done some horrible things to me, things that are way too much punishment for someone who made mistakes not once with intention of harm or ill will to you. separating SD and I is a death sentence to me, and I know eventually I will die to of it. I think you know that as well. Remember when you first left and outside your work I asked you what will i do? those were words of a man under whom the ground disappeared. That was me truly asking what would I do? for 5 years all I knew was you. I never had a home before that, I never had anything remotely to what I had with you. I miss hanging out with your brother, your dad and even as much as i hated it your mom. I never had a place to go and people who made me feel like i was someone.
Truth is I am no one, with out that. Yes I have a fan club, yes I do well now, yes I am good at work, yes kids think i am awesome but at the end of the day I am many things to many people, but no one is there for me. I type this in a hotel room, after working 20 plus hours, taking a sleeping pill I am still awake. Have not slept well in months. I take these moments as punishment and I pray for forgiveness from you and God.
I work away from SF, the city that is a part of me like breathing is. That city gave me everything and made me who I am today. I leave the bay area to you and yours out of respect. Why? because you have every right to live a life free of me, you don’t deserve to worry about me anymore. I have removed myself from the equation so you may live and get what you deserve. With that said, I have never once stopped wishing that you would forgive me.
I have so much to say and so much to tell you, but words seem to fail me. All I know is that I am sorry for being an idiot, for not knowing how to live, for not knowing how to be with someone. I am sorry and if I have enough life left, I will make things right with your family. If you never forgive me I will understand, but take good care of mini you. Because her daddy’s life is trapped in her. I don’t know what you know about the two of us, but we are one and the same. I miss her like I miss you. Every where i go I see her, every kid looks like her. I can only describe the pain as if I have died and yet some how i am on this earth. I would give up my life for a 24hr period with her, where i can take her to school, make her breakfast, feed her lunch, feed her dinner and put her to bed. After that if you want to shoot me I will write you any legal piece of paper that will legally verify my consent.
I know I messed up, but it was never intentional, I made honest to God mistakes that I could not correct and I decided to hide them. I dug myself a hole that I could not get out off. When I realized how I have dragged you into it, I did things to make you leave. I now realize how stupid that was.
I hope some day you will see that I am sorry. I wish you nothing but the best, you still try to put me in trouble and you still try to hurt me, I just want you to know that I awake in pain and I go to bed in it. I lost the only family I ever had.